Transcript from a meeting with James Eaton on 30 August, 2020
Q: I know that . . . I keep making it all up (Q laughing). I just keep making it all up and causing myself a lot of trouble.
James: Yeah, welcome to the club! (Both laughing)
Q: And you know, it’s just gotta stop.
James: Yeah, so we clarify what it is that we’re making up. That’s the trick.
Q: Well, a lot of sadness. I get days like today when I just keep crying.
James: Right, so we allow that to come.
Q: But it just seems like it’s an ocean, a never-ending ocean of tears.
James: Yeah, if we really let it happen, let it come, then it always moves—that’s the nature of things. As we’ve seen with lots of different people over the weekend, when we really, deeply allow, it shifts . . . it moves into something else, and then something else, and then . . .
Q: Yeah. I experience that as well. It’s just that I seem to end up back at another level of sadness. (Q laughing)
James: Right. So, what happens when we meet the sadness? What do you find there? Do you sense it now?
Q: It’s there now, but not as powerfully as it was (Q touches her heart).
James: (James touches his heart) Just connect to where you’re putting your hand there; that hand bringing loving support . . . That’s it.
Q: It’s feeling lonely. (Q starts to cry)
James: Yeah. “Lonely, I’m lonely. I feel alone.”
Q: And yet, at the same time, having people in my life doesn’t seem to fill that either.
James: Yeah, we need to meet that lonely one; she wants to be met. “I’m alone. All alone. Isolated.”
Q: I don’t know how to.
James: That’s what we’re here to explore right now. So, we sense our feet on the floor, notice the breath, and at the same time we start to connect to the sadness. Listening, listening . . . this deep listening . . . “I’m alone.” (Q crying) Let yourself go there, let yourself go down and meet that part of you. Feeling the support . . . feel the support . . . That’s it. Keep sensing your feet at the same time . . . That’s it . . . let it come . . .
Q: Why can’t we do this for ourselves?
James: We can; we just need to learn. We absolutely can do it for ourselves; we’ve just never been taught how to safely connect to these parts of ourselves that have been fragmented off.
Q: It’s like a grieving for . . . needing to find something that feels like it’s buried, or lost, or confused . . . and it’s there, but it doesn’t know how to find its way back.
James: That’s it, “I’m buried. I’m lost. I’m confused. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to find my way back.” So all of that, we meet all of that from this place of love, of openness, of unconditional kindness.
If we’re in the pattern, if we’re in the character, then we’re trying to find the ‘answer’. As soon as we see that ‘trying to find the answer’ is a pattern arising within us, then we’re out of it, and it’s not about finding an answer anymore; it’s about soothing this part of ourself that thinks it needs to find an ‘answer’.
The answer is already here. We are the answer. This is the love that is the answer. So the love that is the answer, it moves in to meet this dissociated fragment that’s still running around in its old story. We need to meet it, to feel what it’s holding, and allow it to integrate and reclaim the energy.
When we can meet grief, it’s a doorway into compassion, into loving kindness, tenderness; because we’ve been able to meet that grief in ourselves, it opens up that portal. So, it’s a gift, it’s not the enemy; it’s a sweet gift if we can connect to it.
So, there she is, “I’m alone. I’m confused. I don’t know where to go, what to do.” So you feel all that, and the holding, the loving holding that says, “It’s okay. I see you. I see you’re confused. I see that you’re alone.” So this is you, offering this unconditional love to this part of you. I’m not doing it. I’m the guide.
Q: I think what happens to me is that I go so far, and then I want to stop. It’s like, “Okay, that’s enough now. Get on with something else. What else have I got to do? What’s next?”
James: Yeah, that’s okay. But maybe your capacity to meet it is deepening. If you find that it’s too much, and you find a distraction pattern coming in, that’s okay, don’t judge yourself for that. Just notice what’s happening.
You’re right in your observation, that no one can fill that hole—no one will be able to, and that’s true for everyone. So rather than acting from the pattern, trying to find the ‘answer’, we see that it’s a pattern and we take our stand in our beingness; and we allow these fragmented selves to feel that loving inclusion, and to reintegrate into wholeness.
Q: Earlier someone was talking about her mother. So I’m a mother, and I really miss my son. He’s a grown man, and he’s been in southeast Asia during lockdown, and I don’t know if he’s back, and communication’s quite difficult with him. So I go through acceptance of that: that’s what’s happening, it’s okay, I know he’s safe—there’s a certain amount of communication, so I know and feel that he’s safe—and then I get days like today were I just love my son, just love him.
James: Yeah . . . Feel that love for your son right now. What’s his name?
James: Feel that love for Simon. That’s the love I’m talking about. That’s the love you can gift to yourself; to this part of you that feels lonely, lost. This is the beautiful gift of being a parent: that unconditional love that we feel for our children is a beautiful example of the love that we are.
Q: And they’re always our babies (Q laughing). They don’t like that!
James: Yeah! But I want you to see that this part of you, that you’re meeting, is also like your baby; and you, as this unconditional presence, are like the perfect mother, the perfect parent, the divine parent, that offers nothing but unconditional love, always and forever. (Q breathing deeply)
Offer that to yourself, gift that to every part of yourself . . . Let those parts of you bask in it, luxuriate in this loving holding . . . allow yourself to have it, to feel nourished by it, to feel that natural gratitude, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Q: Don’t neglect yourself.
James: “Don’t neglect yourself.” Yeah, but we learn that we’re not worthy of it. So the sadness is your gift: it’s calling you, saying, “Meet me, meet me.” That’s your gold.
That’s it, meeting her again, “I’m alone. I’m confused.” (Q crying) Sensing your feet, sensing the sitting bones on the chair, breathing simultaneously as you meet it.
Q: Why do I find it embarrassing, that I always end up like this?
James: Yeah, so that’s another one. So, “I’m not allowed to be seen to be vulnerable. I must appear to have my shit together at all times.”
Q: I’d much rather people were honest and like this than all the bullshit.
James: Yeah. You understand why people can’t: because they’re afraid.
Q: Yeah, it is scary.
James: Yeah, people are afraid to reveal their vulnerability. Most of us learn very early that when we’re openly vulnerable we get crushed. So we develop the suit of armour—our personal ministry of defence! (Both laughing)
Q: Oh, bless you. Thank you.
James: Bless you, bless you.
Q: It’s so helpful.
James: Yeah. You’ll see the more you meet this part of you, the more capacity you have to meet it, and the more that relationship builds; and then that fragmented part turns towards you, turns towards love, and it walks towards you, and it merges into you. It’s a beautiful, beautiful process. It can be helpful to see it as a child that’s afraid, lonely, isolated, and you’re this loving presence that just sits to begin with, just sits there close by, lets itself be known; and then, as that child slowly trusts, and comes closer, you just keep offering that love, and eventually it comes right into you and is integrated.
So a group like this is helpful in that it encourages us in seeing other people, like you just did, take that move; it’s supportive and encourages us to see, “Yes it’s possible. I can do this.” And then, as we become more used to operating in that way, maybe we become an inspiration to the people in our own lives as well, and so it spreads.
So we need these characters, we want to integrate them, we don’t want to push them away. As they become integrated we gain all the energy that’s been sucked into that dissociated character; so we want them to join us—to come together.
How are you doing there? (James gently swaying)
Just check in with the body, make sure nothing’s clenching tight . . . loosening the wrists, the neck, freshening up the face . . . This gentle swaying is really lovely, it’s reminiscent of being in the womb and that gentle rocking the amniotic fluid.
Q: I’ve been doing qigong for a few months and it’s lovely, I love it.
James: Yeah, great, beautiful. So, anything you enjoy, that you love, that the body enjoys, gifting ourselves that too. With some people it’s dancing, singing, qigong, whatever it is.
Q: I’m just going to be quiet now. Thank you so much.
James: Thank you.