Confessing the ‘Spiritual Me’

By September 29, 2020October 1st, 2020Transcripts, Read

Transcript from a meeting with James Eaton on 29 August, 2020

Q: This is true confessions, right? James the confessor! [Both laughing] And really, I honestly can’t think of any other container, for this that I wanna share . . . finally. [Q crying] I’ve been rejecting this part of myself for decades. Of course I didn’t expect this . . . I had it together! Let me just be with this for a second . . .

James: That’s it, feel your feet on the floor, and your sitting bones on the chair . . . notice the breath . . .

Q: There’s so much power here . . . Okay, so I’m just gonna give voice to this part of myself that’s been pushed aside, that I can’t pray away. So . . . [Q laughing] this is so scary! Okay: “I’ve had spiritual experiences that 99% of the population of this planet couldn’t fathom.” [Q laughing] So ridiculous! Okay, and: “I, I, I, I know the core of my being. I know the truth of being. I KNOW what underlies all of reality. I know what’s true. And this puts me in a special position. This makes ‘me’ special.” Oh my God. There is so much yuckiness in that.

James: Just let it come. Yeah, “I’m so special . . . Look at me . . . LOOK AT ME. I’m special.”

Q: And different.

James: And different. Yeah.

Q: And apart.

James: Right, that’s the other side of it. I’m special, and I’m different, and I’m lonely, and isolated in my specialness—in my ivory tower. Bowing to ‘the special one’. “Thank you for revealing yourself. Thank you for letting yourself be seen.”

Q: There’s shame coming up in showing this.

James: Let the shame come . . .

Q: It’s so separating [Q crying]. It’s been so painful.

James: That’s it. Feel your feet on the floor. Staying right here, allowing it all to come. Bowing to it, “Thank you for being here.”

Q: This has played out so insidiously in my life. I can see it contriving circumstances and it’s SO not helpful; and I haven’t been able to really let it be here.

James: And now you are . . . that’s beautiful. I know this character, I’ve had this one, I know it very well! [Both laughing] Yeah, “I’m so special. Look at me!” And the other side of it is that you really ARE special.

Q: That’s what had to be denied, right?

James: Yeah, well said. By playing out the character of ‘I’m special’, I avoid having to acknowledge just how special I really really am.

Q: I have no idea what that even looks like—the true part.

James: You don’t need to look for that; you already are it. You just do exactly what you’re doing here: you see through the falseness; but not judging it, because even ‘I’m special’ would have been necessary at some point, there was an intelligence behind taking that on, so you still bow to that; but as you’re able to discern and ‘fess up’ to all these different characters, and include them, then what’s left? What’s left is what you truly are: the wholeness of being.

Q: Spontaneity.

James: Yeah, and then the true personality starts to shine, unshackled from all these constraints—of having to be something, having to present something . . .

(Q breathing deeply)

So there she is: ‘the special one’. Bowing to her . . . Why does she want to be special? To get the love, to get the attention: “Hey, I’m special. Here I am. [James waving and pointing to himself] Can you see me? I’m special.” That’s why I tried to be ‘special’—to get the love, to get the attention, to be noticed.

(silent connecting)

Q: When I’m letting it be here, it feels like it’s a way that there can be a ‘me’; and it’s this terrible secret that it’s here, but I see it squirt out in posts or something, or I’ll allude to this specialness. It’s so tricky.

James: Whichever character we are identifying with, that’s where our sense of ‘me’ resides; and whatever the nature of the character, it’s always rooted in fear and the sense of isolation, and the need to try to get love and approval. But, like you said, the curious thing is that it just isolates us even more—it actually does the exact opposite to what we want it to do. The irony is that when we show up like you just did, and lay aside all the characters and reveal our vulnerability, then everyone loves us!  [James laughing] Why? Because we’re shining truth into the world, and it opens people up to the same truth in them. And in having the courage to be honest and open, we’re giving others permission to be honest and open too.

Q: The whole thing feels like a such a contraction; and yes, when it’s freed, it frees everybody, right?

James: Yeah, right. You know, everyone here has probably done the rounds spiritually; the people I tend to meet have usually been there and back again! So you’re probably aware of all the ‘know-it-all-ness’ and posturing that goes on in the spiritual scene, particularly in non-duality, and it’s that same identity again, parading itself about. And there’s no judgement in that. We have to see that clearly. Because if we’re judging it then that’s another character: the one that wants to judge all the non-duality people that think they know everything! “Easy tiger!” [Both laughing]

So we come back to the simplicity, the not-knowing . . . Clarifying the different characters.

(silent connecting)

Q: Who would I be?

James: Yeah, beautiful question. “Who am I now, without that character?”

Q: Everything could go away. Wow!

James: Right, stay with that. “I’m gonna lose everything. I’m gonna lose my friends, my reputation, my standing, the respect people have for my spiritual understanding [both laughing], I’m gonna lose my facebook following!”

Q: Any direction! All of my direction is tied up in this ‘spiritualness’. I didn’t even think of it as that before now, and now I’m seeing it for what it is. Oh my God! Maybe I just want to make little cactus pots and grow cactus and just leave it all!

James: Yeah! I had a session with someone a few days ago and, as he came to the same realisation, he looked at me with these wide, innocent eyes and said, “You mean, I can do anything?!

Q: [Crying] That’s freedom.

James: Right, that’s freedom. That’s what we’re talking about: freedom. You don’t have to stick to whatever line you’ve sold yourself. You’re free, and so your true personality can be born into the world. Yeah, welcome! Letting yourself be lived.

Q: I don’t have to help people!

James: No. When we try to help people often we don’t, we do the opposite; because we’re trying to bolster our own ‘helper’ identity, we’re not really available.

Q: The mind is so tricky. I could see all that, but then it’s playing out anyway! And then there’s also a freedom to help, if that’s what’s showing up, right? But there’s more freedom, because there’s nobody tied to it.

James: Right. Exactly. Then you really are a help, because ‘you’re’ not helping . . . helping is happening.

Q: And that can’t be contrived from a conceptual understanding.

James: No.

(silent connecting)

Q: Wow, what other ‘mes’ are tied up in this?

James: Yeah, right. As each new layer open up then more can come through.

Q: The word ‘pride’ is coming up now . . . Pride in all the spiritual work I’ve done, and all the releasing . . . “I’VE DONE SIX YEARS OF INTENSIVE RELEASING!” [Both laughing]

James: Oh, ‘intensive’. Well done! And we can bow to all of that too, right? Each of these characters also have an intelligence to them: ‘The seeker’ is the character that brings us into this whole exploration in the first place. Instead of just being lost in the world—trying to find lasting contentment in our job, or our partner, or in a million dollars, or whatever—’the seeker’ has taken us out of that game and brought us closer to home. Thank you ‘seeker’! And ‘the releaser’ has initiated this wonderful process of making conscious all that’s unconscious in us. Thank you ‘releaser’! So we bow to ‘the seeker’, bow to ‘the releaser’, bow to ‘the special one’—we bow to all the characters. The wholeness that we truly are doesn’t judge any of it; it’s unconditional; it smiles lovingly on, and says, “Welcome friend, come and sit at the table—have a drink!” [Q breathing deeply]

Yeah, wow! Feel that viscerally; feel that unconditional love, that’s here now, that just welcomes everything. What a blessing!

(silent connecting)

Q: There’s a lot moving! And there’s that one coming up again, “Hey, look at me releasing!”

James: Yeah, “Look how well I’m doing! Ow! I am hot shit! [both laughing] I can release ANYTHING man!” That’s it, have fun with it. When you don’t take yourself seriously you can have fun with it. [James singing] “I’m such a great releaser!” There should be a song there . . .

Q: Dig me!

James: [James singing] “I’m so special!”

Q: Oh my goodness, and now there’s shame again; an effervescence of shame bubbling up now—for making fun of it.

James: Let the shame come again . . . “I just revealed this about myself in front of all these people, what must they think? I better hide under a rock.”

Q: Lower than dirt. I had a dream there was something under a rug that was coming towards me a few nights ago.

James: Here it is!

Q: Thank you!

James: Yeah, “Lower than dirt. I’m a piece of shit. I’m disgusting. I’m the devil.”

Q: Oh my gosh! All the times that I made myself this great releaser, or ‘the one who knows’, or whatever, it belittled others. I AM the devil! [Q laughing] I disempowered others by saying, “No, no, no, you don’t know; you’re not doing it. THIS is releasing!”

James: So see that, and see how it comes from a deep, fearful place; that’s how you can really bow to that.

Q: I don’t know where that one’s coming from. Oh my God. Disempowering others is the opposite of what I would love to perceive myself as.

James: We disempower others because we want to feel more powerful, because really we feel afraid. So that’s why we can bow to the character, because it’s trying to make you feel safe and powerful, and it finds a way; but when we stand as who we really are, and we start to do this work, then we see these patterns clearly, and we can allow them to start to unravel without judgement. You could easily get caught in another character there: “Ah, I feel so bad about the fact that I used to belittle people. Shame on me.” That’s ‘the inner tyrant’, ‘the inner dictator’ coming in, pointing the finger . . .

So, “Disempowering other people to feel powerful,” . . . How does that feel?

(silent connecting)

Q: That’s a deep well there . . . I have a daughter with special needs, and I’m ‘the capable one’, and ‘the rescuer’, and I realise that that’s what played out there. More confession. I don’t . . . that might be really pushed down . . .

James: Keep sensing the feet . . . Don’t let the rational mind get too involved. Let the intuition reveal what wants to be revealed . . . It’s like your heart grows wider and wider to hold more and more of it, to allow it all in.

Q: I’m trying not check out.

James: Yeah, so feel your feet. Roll your shoulders, your wrists . . . that’s it, freshen up the face. The tendency will be to close down, for the breath to become shallow, the body to tighten up. Just look out for that, and let the body stay open . . .

Q: Okay, can I give a voice to this one who’s ‘the rescuer’, and ‘the capable one’?

James: Absolutely.

Q: I don’t even know what that one would say . . .

James: Don’t work it out, just listen . . .

(silent connecting)

Q: You can’t do it without me.

James: “Yeah, you can’t do it without me. You need me.”

(silent connecting)

That’s it, there’s an energy that wants to open now. Can you feel it?

Q: Oh yeah, it’s moving.

James: Let that come . . . That’s it, it’s coming.

Q: That really pegged it: ‘you can’t do it without me’. [Q crying] I mean that says it all. Oh my God! There’s the oppression, and the me-ness, the identity—all that in just those few words. That was brilliant. Thank you for having me listen for that: “You can’t do it without me.” [Q breathing deeply]

James: Let it open . . . That’s it . . . That energy wants to move. It’s been pushed down for so long, it’s coming through now. [Both breathing deeply together]

Q: It’s really coming up . . . The thought comes that I adopted her to reinforce this identity. I needed it so badly, to be ‘the capable one’, and ‘the one that could take care of things’.

James: That’s it. Let the intelligence come through; no judgement, just clarity . . . And see how it’s all born of a deep fear . . . so we’re slowly getting down to that deep fear.

Q: Let me see if there are any other words . . . You need me. YOU need ME. Me, me, me.

James: Yeah. There’s a different energy coming in now . . .

Q: Just so few words and there’s so much there, my God. ‘YOU need ME’. How debilitating is that, how disempowering.

James: Can you hear the other side of it? “You NEED ME . . . NEED ME.”

Q: “Need me, need me!” And all the while I’m pushing her away and saying, “Stop needing me!” Bless her heart! Wow.

James: Yeah. “I want someone to need me. If Nobody needs me, where does that leave me? What am I without being needed?” See if you can get underneath that . . . not with the rational mind.

Q: No place, no belonging.

James: “Nobody needs me. Nobody wants me. I’m nowhere. I don’t belong.”

(silent connecting)

Q: I shouldn’t exist if I’m not needed. [Q crying]

James: “I shouldn’t exist.” Keep listening . . . let it come . . . sensing your feet. There’s another well of energy that wants to open here . . . It doesn’t have to happen now, but there’s another big well here . . . “Nobody needs me. Nobody wants me.”

(silent connecting)

Q: I can’t see beyond it . . . Let’s see, if nobody needs me . . . I get to disappear?

James: Don’t guess, don’t try to work it out . . . When we go on these deep dives we let the momentum build and it reveals itself . . . we just listen . . . we had, “You need me,” and then we had, “Need me,” and then, “Nobody needs me.” . . .

Q: It makes me real. Me being needed makes me real. I really feel that.

James: “I’m not real if I’m not needed.”

Q: I’m not real if I’m not needed.

James: What are you if you’re not real?

(silent connecting)

Q: [Q Laughing] There’s no thought!

James: Stay there . . . Let the laughter come . . . It’s all releasing . . .

(silent connecting)

Q: There’s just nothing there! [Q Laughing]

James: Stay with that . . . Just let these waves of laughter, and shivering come through. Being the space for it all to move . . .

(silent connecting)

Q: There’s nothing there! Just nothing! [Q Laughing] It’s awesome! Oh my God. There’s no thought. There’s nothing. It’s so quiet.

James: Yeah, and life’s still happening, breathing’s still happening, talking’s still happening . . . just like it always was and always will be . . . just keep sensing your feet . . . You can use this now, because you’ll notice very clearly when the mind starts up again from this silence.

Q: I don’t want it to start again. I don’t want to talk [Q crying].

James: I know, I know . . . The clarity you’ve got now is like the clear blue sky, and then, when the ‘weather system’ starts to change, you notice its nature very clearly. It’s useful because then you’re building wisdom: you’re understanding exactly how your mind operates. Then the mind can do whatever it wants, because you’re free. If you don’t want your mind to start up again, then you’re not free, you’re identifying with another character that needs life to be a certain way.

Q: That’s what I didn’t want to start up again!

James: But you don’t wanna have to do nothing and keep your mouth shut forever, right?

Q: Yeah, exactly; that’s just another contraction.

James: So we’re really going for it here. We’re not only realising and acknowledging what’s there, but we’re also coming alive. We’re not trying to retreat into a cave, and be the witness, and never have the mind start up again. No! We’re courageous, we’re stepping into life; we’re the warriors, we’re the heroes; feeling it all fully . . . so bring it on!

Q: Yeah. Thank you so much. [Q crying]

James: Thank you.

Q: Thank you everybody. Thank you for holding the space. So beautiful. Thank you.